


nostalgia

by flagrantlywicked



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-30
Updated: 2014-11-30
Packaged: 2018-02-27 12:36:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2693225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flagrantlywicked/pseuds/flagrantlywicked
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I wouldn't dare call myself religious, but during the few months after her departure I prayed and wept to God every night that I'd awake one morning to her standing outside my doorway. Eventually I lost hope though. God wouldn't even help me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	nostalgia

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this way earlier in the year and it's already on the internet somewhere (5hfanfiction) but because it's my favorite thing I've ever written, I want it here too. Why not? Flashbacks are italicized.

The year was 2018. I’d just turned 22, so it was in the summer. I had a serious case of writer’s block that night. Scratch that, I’d been suffering from writer’s block for over two weeks. So you can imagine how stressed I must have been at the time. I decided to get out of my loft to search for some form of inspiration, and I even invited my girls to tag along with me, but they declined. Said they had better things to do than roam the streets of Manhattan. Dinah was out with her boyfriend. Ally had her own dilemmas to tend to, and Mani insisted on staying on the couch to watch a good ole Netflix film. It was all good though. If either one of them would’ve came, I wouldn’t have gotten a damn thing done. For a long time I thought that I didn’t accomplish anything that night, but in retrospect, I got a whole lot more than I bargained for. I stumbled upon some bittersweet inspiration that has and will last a lifetime.

“ _How the hell did I end up in here?” I muttered to myself, taking a look around the raunchy nightclub that attained many gross odors._

_The gigantic room was rather smoky, decorated in colorful flashing neon lights bright enough to give any normal person a seizure. I’d only been to a club like this once and I told myself I’d never do it again. Although I immensely enjoyed a little partying every now and then, I figured this would be no fun since none of my clique was present. I knew I looked awkwardly out of place standing at the entrance of a club donning a gray cardigan and some jeans, so I walked on in, attempting to blend with the crowd._

_This place was more than likely filled with tons of opportunity and inspiration though. Perhaps not the kind I was looking for, but hell, I was going to get something out of this tonight. I wasn’t necessarily aiming for that one thing to be sex until I laid eyes on **her** sitting over at the bar all lonely with her cheek in her hand. She was stunning, and I knew for a fact there had to be some lucky moron of a guy around here who she belonged to. And if not, there was one with his eye on her for sure, and he’d have a better chance with her than I ever would._

_The bartender was standing in front of her, his palms pressed to the counter. She was ordering. I was oddly excited to see what she was drinking tonight, and I decided I could use a drink myself, so I headed on over to the bar, also in hopes that she was into girls just as much as I was. There was an empty seat right beside of her. I was feeling pretty fortunate tonight._

_About a minute later the bartender came over, sat three margaritas down in front of her. I shook my head, chuckling quietly to myself. I ordered a simple coke when he came my way. In my peripheral view I could see the brunette chugging down her drink like it was nothing, and then onto the next one._

“ _Might wanna take it easy there, princess,” I said, briefly cutting my eye in her direction. Wearing a cheeky smirk, I nonchalantly twirled my straw around in my cup._

_She placed her second glass down with a loud clank and stared me down disapprovingly. I flipped my hair out of my face, shooting her a bold look. Somewhere in her eyes I swear I saw a bit of wonder. Her brows were furrowed curiously, yet there was a scowl marring that pretty face of hers. The scowl on her face didn’t do her any justice, because she was nothing but a mad little puppy in my eyes._

“ _Says the chick drinking a coke. Do you know how lame you look?” she countered with the roll of her eyes._

“ _Well, I’m not aiming to get stone cold drunk tonight.”_

“ _Maybe I am.”_

_I studied her fiery, wide-eyed gaze momentarily before speaking. “Are you here alone?”_

_The doe-eyed beauty laughed dryly, a snarl on her lips. It became clear then and there that whoever hurt her, must have hurt her bad, because behind all that sass there was a lot of pent up sorrow she was trying hard to mask. I could clearly see it in her eyes and as she tipped her head back and let out a surly laugh, I wondered what she had been through. I wanted to find out, and as intruding as that made me, I didn’t at all feel guilty._

“ _Why would you possibly care?” she asked me._

“ _Because,” I said with a deep sigh, averting my eyes to the dirty floor. “If no one’s here with you…and you get drunk off your ass, who’s going to drive you home?”_

_Her face softened. Astonished, she looked at me as if to say, “why would a random stranger care at all”. Frankly, I, myself didn’t know why I cared so much, but there was something about her. There was something about the pain I discerned in her heart that made me want to watch over her, make sure she got home okay, even though I didn’t even know her name._

“ _I don’t know where you’re from, but this city doesn’t play. The streets are mean and the people are ruthless. If you get drunk tonight and go out there walking by yourself, you’re practically asking for some random hobo to take you to a back alley and have his way with you.”_

_I was still nervously eying the floor. The constant thump of the music gave me a migraine. I still wasn’t sure why I was in a nightclub with drunken morons and gyrating bodies, but when I caught sight of her legs, I knew for sure I had found what I was looking for. My gaze eased up the rest of her lean body, taking it all in slowly. The tight striped crop top she wore surely didn’t assuage my thirst for her. It’d been half a minute and she still hadn’t said a word. Clearing my throat, I spun around in my bar stool and took a small sip from my coke, hoping to God she didn’t see me brazenly checking her out._

“ _I can get a cab.”_

“ _But cabs suck,” I blurted stupidly, dragging my tongue across my bottom lip shortly after. I paused to think of something to say that would justify my absentminded statement. “They reek of ass and sweat and vomit! Do you really want to sit through that when you don’t have to? I could give you a ride back to your place instead, you know.”_

_To my surprise, a faint smile tugged at the girl’s lips. “Ass, sweat and vomit? You talk way too much, has anyone ever told you that?”_

_I smiled sheepishly, raking my fingers through my hair. She seemed to be finally easing up on me, which was the most relieving thing at the time._

“ _I get that a lot, and I’m sorry. I just have a lot going on in my head.”_

“ _Huh. I bet you do. And by the way, I honestly think that the only one who wants to have their way with me tonight is **you**.”_

_A wolfish grin spread across my face. I tried to bite it back, but I was feeling way too embarrassed. I wanted to laugh at her assumption and relentlessly claim her wrong, but truthfully I couldn’t. She was right, and she was damn smart. Before I could say anything, she paid the bartender and sashayed to the left, disappearing in the crowd. I stood to my feet and hauled ass to wherever she went, pushing and shoving through crowds of dancing people out on the dance floor. The smell was fucking awful. Off in the distance I thought I saw her long brown curls swaying. A door that led to an empty corridor opened before her. Above the door was a glowing sign that read “restrooms”._

_I darted off in that direction. Emerging through the door, I stood there frozen. Just as I expected, she turned around to face me. It’s like she could sense that I was following her. I wiped at the sheen of sweat upon my forehead, speechlessly watching her glower at me in utter confusion._

“ _Why are you following me? Is there something you want?” she snapped. One of her fists balled up at her side. I lifted an eyebrow, glancing from her fist to the pretty brown, wide eyes that held the same fiery glint from before._

“ _What’s up your ass? That’s all I want to know. Something’s clearly bothering you.”_

“ _You don’t even know me.”_

“ _I know you like margaritas, and I know you hate nice people, apparently.”_

“ _No, I hate creeps. You’re creeping me out. Following someone around a club is not cute, nor will it make me want you.”_

_Now I was tempted to ask what would make her want me just to be a cheeky bitch, but I was trying to prove to the girl that I wasn’t a creep. Because I mean, I wasn’t one._

_My eyes narrowed. “C’mon, do I seriously look intimidating to you?” I inquired, repeatedly pointing to my face and outfit. “The worst I could do is talk you to death about books, and the weather. You have nothing to be creeped out about.”_

_She studied me long and hard in silence, seeming to take in all of my features. She had the most amazing body, and did I mention how sweet her lips looked?_

“ _I’m Lauren. Lauren Jauregui.” I extended my hand out towards her._

_Her eyes lowered down to my hand as she began to giggle._

_Putting my hand back down to my side, I grinned bashfully and murmured, “Yeah, I’m a dork. You don’t have to shake my hand. Totally don’t know why I did that.”_

_She pursed her lips, quickly looking me up and down. “I’m…Camila Cabello,” she hesitated, now gnawing her bottom lip._

_The way she articulated each syllable in her name made me weak in the knees._

“ _Say that again?”_

“ _…Camila Cabello.”_

_I faked a groan. “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you.”_

_She started that smiling again. It was an awkward smile, but she still looked so adorable. Funny how she could go from being fucking hot to cute within seconds. I think that’s what I liked about her…_

“ _I’m kidding. I heard you. I just like the way you say it, Camila.”_

_Rolling her eyes, Camila sighed and pressed herself against the wall behind her. The wall was covered with several “______ was here”’s from various people and weird stains. I ambled toward her side, telling myself she probably didn’t want me to get too close. I just studied her profile in admiration as she stared at the wall ahead, lost in reflection._

“ _So, what’s ailing you?”_

_She turned her head to look at me skeptically, as if asking herself if she should trust me with whatever she was about to divulge._

“ _Why do you care?”_

_I merely shrugged. “Just for the hell of it, you know? Like why not let some pretty girl who’s clearly upset vent to me?”_

_Camila was still watching me, giving off no particular emotion, but I saw her eyebrows slightly lift. Finally, she took a deep breath, moistening her plump lips before she spoke._

“ _My fiance. He’s such a prick sometimes. I honestly think I’m losing feelings for him. I’ve felt this way for a while now. I’m not content with him and that’s scary to think about because we’re engaged, you know?”_

_I cocked my head to the side, carefully thinking over her dilemma. “What did he do to make you mad?”_

“ _He got angry because I said I didn’t want to go out with him tonight. He even accused me of cheating because of how distant I’ve been acting. Which is not true, I’m not a cheater. And it’s stupid of him to think that because we just moved here and I know no one here, so who would I cheat on him with? I just don’t want him anymore.”_

“ _Do you feel like you could ever break it to him?”_

_Camila looked down at her shuffling feet, a look of discomfort appearing on her face. “Thinking of it makes me depressed.”_

“ _Hey,” I cooed softly, nudging her with my elbow. “Just don’t think about it then. Try and think of something else. What do you think would make you content?”_

_She looked at me, her eyes widening once she realized how close we were face to face. She licked her lips again. We maintained an intense stare for some time, until suddenly she looked away, allowing her insecurity to get the best of her. I could not have been the only one feeling this sexual tension in the air; the desire lingering in the air between us – that damned distance we wanted to break, but the weight of the uncertainty held us back._

“ _I’m not sure.”_

_Even though her reaction to me being so close wasn’t exactly positive, I didn’t draw back. Not saying another word, I fondly watched her eyes nervously dance around the room. I knew that eventually she would look at me once again. I could tell from the way her chest caved – I could tell from the way she was breathing that something was about to go down. And all she needed to do was look into my eyes._

“ _You sure you’re not sure? I think you are,” I purred, mentally undressing her. “I could get your mind off of it. You don’t need alcohol. I could be your intoxication, your distraction…” My fingertips lightly slid down her shoulder._

_The hungry, longing gaze she fixed me with next set my nerves on fire. I was tingling all over, and before I knew it, her hands were roaming all over my body in all the right places. Attacking her mouth with mine, I grasped her hips and clung to her body like my life depended on it._

“ _I’ll make you forget all about him for tonight. Is that what you want?”_

_Her warm tongue brushed across my lip as I crept my fingers up her shirt, probing her soft, olive skin. A jolt of adrenaline sent me shivering, my roaming hands trembling. I felt like I needed her. She seemed to be taking things more slowly, and I didn’t want to turn her off, because I had a feeling this type of thing was new to her, so I just went at her pace. Camila trailed her forefinger down my neck teasingly, my bottom lip in her teeth. I felt this odd emotional connection with this girl whom I’d just met, this girl who was bad mouthing me less than ten minutes ago was now completely wrapped around my finger, crumbling in my arms._

_Camila planted sweet kisses along my jaw, coming to a stop at my earlobe. She blew hot breath on my ear, nuzzling lower with her nose. “Make me forget about him forever,” she moaned against my neck._

_I grabbed her full ass, causing her to release a hitched, jagged breath, and I breathed it in as our lips crashed once again like a head on collision. In the midst of pulling and tugging on fabric, our mouths too anxiously impatient to distance themselves, I traveled lower with my hands. Teased the buttons on her pants for quite some time. Lost in ecstasy, she cupped my breasts in her hands and froze as if she didn’t know what to do with them. I lunged forward and hooked my fingers over the back of her neck, bringing her back into me when she broke away due to insecurity._

“ _I don’t – think we sh – should d-do this here, – Lauren,” Camila said breathlessly through kisses. “He-Hey, stop.”_

_She slid her hands farther up my chest to restrain me, giving me this innocent, pouty look. My quivering lips parted as I surrendered reluctantly, aching for every inch of her. Her touch did something to me, something I couldn’t comprehend. The way she hesitantly gyrated her hips against mine set something off in me. The feeling was unexplainable, but I knew I wouldn’t have mind if she spent the rest of her life in my bed next to me, or on top of me, or beneath me. Because this right here. This was all I needed. I needed Camila Cabello in my bed, her sweaty body flush against mine and the ever-so-sweet taste of a margarita on her lips. So what if I was supposed to be finding inspiration to cure my writer’s block tonight? That could be postponed, and dammit, it would be._

_After fixing up her wild hair, I gently held her chin between my thumb and forefinger, continuously pecking her mouth._

“ _Do you want to come back to my place? One of my friends is there, and the others might be back later, but I’ll kick them out. I know your place isn’t an option.” I smirked mischievously, caressing her face. “As long as you never speak of it again, your fiance will never know about it. He’ll never know of the things I do, or how I touched you… You can keep a secret, can’t you?”_

_She appeared to be mesmerized. Camila nodded eagerly._

“ _Are you sure you want this?”_

_She nodded once again, framed my face in her hands and kissed me like I’d been hers for years._

_-_

_There she was engulfed in my satin sheets, writhing at my touch in the middle of my king bed. Tossed to the side wildly was my bedspread, our clothes in various areas of the room keeping the floor company. Camlia gasped sharply, fisting my hair in her hands as I delved my tongue into her moist opening once more. Sweat beaded her sticky skin and I was drenched and exhausted. I didn’t know how long we’d been at it, but the clock read 12:44 when we got in. I was too busy to check it now._

“ _I love the way you feel inside of me,” Camila said in a rasped, jagged whisper._

_I glanced up at her lustfully, blanketing her sweet sex with soft kisses. Camila opened her eyes, watching me in fiery anticipation as I moved up her body._

“ _Say that again, baby.” I ran my mouth across her collarbones, scratching the skin on her thighs teasingly. She knew I wasn’t going to give her what she wanted until she said it._

_Her rosy cheeks grew redder as she fidgeted impatiently._

“ _Camila,” I groaned lowly, now whirling my tongue around her nipple, a firm squeeze on her breasts. “Say it.”_

“ _I love the way you feel inside of me. I neee – ed you.” I smirked at her response, beginning to pump my fingers inside of her, just like she wanted. She instantly grabbed my arm, overwhelmed by the quick, sudden surge of pleasure. Her grip was tight; she held me like she never wanted to let go, mercilessly engraving her nails into my flesh._

_In a trance-like state, it seemed, I couldn’t help but watch as Camila arched her back, eyes pinched shut, body shuddering at each deep penetration. The fact that I was inducing this type of response in such a beautiful girl made me feel invincible, I wasn’t even going to lie. She was so damn breathtaking, as was the way her mouth felt upon my skin. I just wanted more, and more, and more. I pressed my forehead to hers, our heaving breaths in unison as I cooed sweet nothings against her gaping mouth._

“ _I’m gonna come, don’t stop, please,” she whined, grinding upon my hand._

_Our tongues collided, but I backed away teasingly once she hungrily came in for a kiss. “What was that? You want me to stop?” I asked innocently, drawing back with a wry grin._

“ _Don’t you dare fucking tease me,” Camila hissed venomously, pinching the nape of my neck. She brought me closer in a fervid kiss._

_I massaged her clit with my thumb, two fingers still deep inside of her. That always sent her over the edge, every single time. I felt her walls clench tight around my fingers, and as if on cue she screamed out my name, dragging out the last syllable until the screams of sweet pleasure dwindled to a mere whimper._

_**I bet your fiance never makes you scream like that,** I thought as she fluttered open her eyes to look up at the glorious source of her orgasm. Gulping hard, she blinked, emitted a sigh and then closed her eyes again. The grimace on her face indicated evident pain and regret. I chewed my lip, searching her expression curiously._

“ _Everything okay?”_

_She nodded yes, although her face stated otherwise._

_Seconds later I hopped off the bed and went for my dresser on the other side of the room in search of a t-shirt and a pair of boy shorts._

_The digital clock on my nightstand read 2:59. Damn. As I was slipping into my shorts, Camila wearily rose upright and timidly asked, “Is it okay if I stay for the rest of the night?”_

_My head nodded before my brain had even processed what she said. Anyone else would’ve been utterly shocked and caught off guard to hear something like that from a girl they’d met in a club hours earlier. But in truth, I wanted Camila to stay. I wanted her to feel this way after we had sex. Maybe this meant she felt the same connection I felt._

“ _Uh, of course… Do you want something to wear, or are you –”_

“ _I’ll sleep like this,” Camila said as she grabbed the bedspread hanging off the side of the bed. She straightened it out and wrapped herself in the sheets like a cocoon. “That’s fine with you, right?” I studied the downcast gleam in her soft, brown eyes._

“ _I’m fine with that.” I nonchalantly entered the bed I’d be sharing with her tonight. We were facing each other, so that meant we just had to lock eyes._

_She stroked my cheek with the back of her hand, tracing my jawline with her finger. My eyes closed._

“ _I don’t want to admit this, but I could have went until sunrise. That’s how amazing it was.”_

“ _Mhmm. Me too,” I mumbled groggily. “You’re such a rookie, though.”_

_She made a small noise of amusement, and I opened my eyes to see if she was smiling, because I told myself I had to see it again, but she wasn’t. My gaze narrowed in concern. Camila squirmed a bit, forcing a sheepish smile._

“ _Well, I’ve never done this with a girl before until now,” she admitted slowly. She bit the edge of her lip, seemingly waiting for my reaction._

_My stomach dropped. I didn’t know why I got this hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach, ‘cause in the back of my mind I figured she’d never hooked up with a girl, but I disregarded it until now. Until she confirmed it. I blinked once, nonchalantly reaching under the sheets to find her hand._

“ _I don’t care. Rookie or not, you were still amazing.”_

_Camila puffed out her cheeks and avoided eye contact momentarily, a ghost of a smile creeping at the corner of her mouth. She tugged on my fingers, then gave my whole hand a light squeeze for no apparent reason. I liked it though. I like the fact that she wanted to hold me._

_I closed my eyes with an elated smile across my cheeks. It was quiet, but if I listened really closely I could hear the television in the living room playing. Normani was in the loft, on the couch asleep with the TV still playing. Well, she was asleep when Camila and I got in earlier tonight. I hoped she stayed asleep, because if not she had heard everything. I could only imagine how brutally uncomfortable that must have been from her perspective. And I knew I’d be hearing about it all tomorrow morning after Camila had left. She’d tell the rest of the girls about it all as well while I sat there staring down at my cup of coffee with a bashful tight smile and rosy cheeks._

_I sighed at the thought of it all. I could feel Camila’s grip on my hand loosening, until she let go completely. When I opened my eyes I expected to see that she’d fallen asleep, but she was still wide awake, and she looked more conflicted than she did a minute ago._

“ _What are you doing?” I asked softly._

“ _Thinking.”_

“ _Hmm? About what?”_

“ _I feel terrible about what I just did,” Camila blurted out bluntly. “I’ve never, ever done that before. I’ve never cheated on someone. I am such an idiot.” Her hushed voice was laced with pure disgust all aimed toward herself apparently. “I keep thinking about him. If I don’t come home tonight he’s going to know I cheated on him, or stayed with someone else… I really want to stop thinking about him.”_

_I looked at her through my lashes. I honestly didn’t know what the hell to say, so I just shushed her until eventually I managed to say, “You’re not an idiot, don’t say that. I’m sorry. You should go home if you want.”._

“ _But I want to stay here… I keep thinking about you as well, and I think of how bad this is, or how bad I am for doing it, but I also keep thinking of how good it is, and I keep thinking that I need someone like you in my life.” She was delicately caressing my neck, gradually making her way down my chest. “I forget about him when you touch me. I love it when you touch me. I feel like that’s what I need.”_

“ _Are you sure?”_

_Camila kissed me on the lips. “Yeah. I need someone like you,” she murmured airily._

_Underneath the sheets, I ran my hand down the back of her thigh. Then I brought her closer, and she lay there bare, snuggled up against my body with my arm snaked around her._

“ _I could stay like this forever.”_

 

I honestly don’t think that night will ever leave my memory. If I close my eyes and engulf myself in those satin sheets, 'til this day I can imagine her right next to me, which is a damn shame, but when I get lonely the ability comes in handy.

The next morning I woke up to discover Camila had left without leaving any trace of being there. She didn’t even leave her number. I recall asking Normani if she saw a girl leave, she casually answered yes and even told me she showed her the way out. Even though it wasn’t exactly Mani’s fault, I kept my distance from her for the rest of the day and didn’t talk to her for the next three days. I barely left my room for the next week. When Camila got up and left after saying all that she said, she took a part of me with her. It was strange, because never before had I felt so infatuated with a girl I met in a club or at a party, or anything like that.

But the thing was, our sex was passionate that night. It was like something I’d never experienced, and I knew she felt it too. So I thought that maybe that’s what had scared Camila away; the profound emotional connection she felt for an over-caring, slightly creepy stranger she met at a nightclub. Or maybe as she lay there with a nice view of the city at night, the guilt began to eat her alive until she could no longer take the weight of my arm draped over her naked body.

Once seven days had passed, I decided I was being absolutely foolish. I faced the fact that I would never see Camila Cabello again, because this was a big city and the only thing I knew about her was her name. Putting the past week of insomnia and odd heartache aside, I set out on a ride through the neighborhood on my longboard on that next Saturday. I didn’t learn much that day, but one thing I did learn was that New York wasn’t as big a city as I thought.

“ _Thought you said you were going to forget about her?” Normani muttered on the other end of the phone, annoyed._

_I was 100% sure she was mentally telling herself that if she heard one more sentence about the girl I met a week ago she would explode._

“ _Did I say that? Don’t remember. But Mani, she was perfect, I’m telling you. I don’t even think she was real. Hell, maybe she wasn’t real,” I babbled on and on as I cruised down the sidewalk on my longboard, effortlessly swerving in between people as they shouted obscenities at me for “being reckless”. “I know I’m never going to see her again, and I guess it makes me feel better to talk about her.”_

_She sighed loudly until it became an aggravated groan. “Of course she was real, Lauren. I saw her myself, also heard her a great bit too… Maybe you should write about her.”_

_I licked my lips and decided to pick up some speed. “Write about her?”_

“ _Yes. Take all of what you’re feeling out of your head and write it on paper, or type it onto a word document, I don’t know. Isn’t that what you normally do?”_

_A lightbulb flickered on in my brain as I careened onto Westwood Ave, nearly crashing into a hotdog stand. Placing my foot on the concrete, I came to a sharp halt, kicked up my longboard and used the brick exterior of an apartment building to rest on._

_Well I’ll be damned._

“ _Mani, babe, you’re amazing. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that earlier. My mind has just been so frazzled that I haven’t been able to think clearly. Thanks, loser. I won’t bother you with my shit anymore today.”_

“ _Yeah, yeah, I know. Good. But you know there’s nothing in this fridge, right? We are starving,” she whined._

_Rolling my eyes, I said, “Why do I always have to be the one to buy food? Tell Dinah to get her ass out of bed, because I know she’s still in bed, and you guys go to the store or something. Goodbye.”_

“ _You’re right. She is still in bed. Later, hater.”_

_**Write about her,** I thought repeatedly. Thinking was not an easy task, it was not something I could do while walking through the city with car horns and shouting people everywhere I turned. And there was also the occasional car screech that made me cringe every single time. As I ambled past a McDonald’s, I thought about going home to start this writing thing that was sure to be one big fiasco, because I hadn’t written anything in quite a while._

_I remembered how Saturday mornings were always chaotic in the loft, though. Nothing would get done because Dinah would be blaring her Beyonce, Normani would be dancing on tabletops and singing along, that’s for sure, and Ally would be complaining to me, the most calm and insightful one in the house, about something Troy did. Honestly, I was the only one who would listen to her now. And unlike Dinah or Normani, I was on the right maturity level for my age._

_It seemed to me that everyone with a boyfriend, or some kind of guy in their life was having trouble. Like Camila for an example. She had a detestation for her fiance – her fucking fiance, the guy she would be marrying soon. I don’t know, that just seemed pretty serious to me. From what she told me, he had no trust in her and everything in their relationship was a scattered mess. But apparently she didn’t detest him that much because she left me the other night and went crawling back to him. Why didn’t I see that coming?_

_I bit my lip until it throbbed in pain, just for bringing her into this. I knew it would be coming sooner or later though, because I’d been bringing her name into everything for the past week. Every conversation. Every mere little thought…_

_So I couldn’t go home, because it would be too noisy there to write. I figured going to the Starbucks three blocks away sounded like the best thing to do. I’d sit in the back, away from everybody like I always did. The girls and I went to that Starbucks all the time, it was our favorite one, because it was the only one closest to our apartment building that wasn’t trashy and didn’t play elevator music._

_Today I wouldn’t mind elevator music, though. Elevator music was calming, and sometimes it was boring, even a little melancholic at times. I figured elevator music would match my mood today a whole lot more accurately than some alternative rock band would._

_I skated on over to the Starbucks on 23 rd street, peeping through the window to see if the place was busy. The joint wasn’t crowded, but it wasn’t sparse of customers either, so I ambled through the door, longboard underneath my arm at my side. The door dinged, and I heard a “so sick of hearing that goddamn ding” come from a grumpy barista washing a table down on the right of me._

_Snickering, I moved further through the coffeehouse. It was somewhat loud, but the familiar aroma of coffee beans was enough to make me stay. Looking off in the distance at my table in the back, I could’ve sworn I saw the back of **her** head only about four tables ahead of mine._

_I was convinced I was going crazy…until I heard her laugh. That same surly laugh from the other night. Then I was convinced I was going absolutely insane. My eyes stayed glued to the back of the girl’s head as I slowly walked for my table in the back by the bathroom. I told myself I was going to walk right by her, then I was going to turn around to see if it were her. I knew I was going to end up laughing at how dumb I was being._

_Foolish, that’s what this belief was. This was a big city. There was no way that could be Camila, but then again anything is possible._

“ _You know, I was thinking we could go to the Barnes & Noble down the street after we leave here.”_

_**Same voice.** _

_I stopped walking right in the middle of the aisle. The chances of what I thought was impossible were now so high. Now I was afraid to go any further. I was afraid of what I’d find once I walked right on past the two and turned around to take a seat._

_There was a guy seated in front of her. Brown tousled hair, hazel dreamy eyes that more than likely made all the girls swoon, appeared to be your typical douchebag. The expression on his face blatantly showed indifference. Honestly, he looked like he didn’t want to be here. His gaze shifted to me briefly. I figured he noticed I was staring, but didn’t have much of a reaction to it._

“ _That bookstore place? Why?” he asked roughly._

“ _I want to buy another book. You know how I love books, Austin…”_

“ _With what money? I bought you a stupid book last week, you haven’t opened the thing yet.”_

“ _That’s because I haven’t had time.”_

“ _Bullshit” was his terse reply. He fixed her with a steely gaze until she timidly looked down at the table, her head bowed. “All you do is sit at home. Of course you had time.”_

“ _You know, I’ll just go on my own later,” the girl retorted. “I’ve got $20, I don’t need you.”_

_The guy merely sneered. “And where did you get that from? Prostitution?”_

_She said nothing._

_**Nothing.** _

_How fucking dare he talk to her like that? How fucking dare she just sit there and take it? Whether it was Camila or not, I was still enraged by the situation. I knew it was her though. Her voice was so distinct – so sweet, yet slightly husky. Every one of her words came out so smoothly, and there was no other voice in the world that could make my knees so weak. It had to be her._

_I confidently walked right by the quarreling two and halted once I reached my lonesome table in the back. When I turned around, there she was. It was her. It was actually her. My throat closed up, and I figured the best thing to do would’ve been to sit down, but I couldn’t put those thoughts together. I was unable to listen to any of the coherent thoughts in my head at the time and all I saw was her, sitting there taking that douchebag’s crap when she deserved so much better. And she still had that vulnerable, pouty, hurt puppy look on her face – the one she was trying to mask the night we met._

_All of the sudden, our eyes met. I couldn’t hear the words coming out of her mouth, but I heard her stop speaking once we locked eyes. She dropped her cup, as well as her jaw, gaping right at me like she’d seen a ghost as I proceeded to stare back at her. Hell, I was speechless too._

_I finally sat in a seat – no I practically collapsed into the seat, carelessly tossing my longboard to the side in the process. Camila blinked and averted her eyes to the table below when her fiance followed her gaze and angrily glanced back at me. Her olive skin was now noticeably pale, her cheeks red._

_Soft mumbles came from their area. If I listened closely I could make out some of the words being said._

“ _-know her?”_

_Camila’s response was inaudible, but I thought her lips read “kinda”. And then suddenly she stood to her feet and came dashing in my direction, her arms snugly folded. Her eyes were fixated on the floor. She looked like she could barf at any moment as she burst through the restroom door at my side. Not once did she look at me. Perhaps she couldn’t bear to do it._

_I sat there for some time contemplating whether or not I should go in. Every now and then her fiance would glance back at me, give me this brisk up and down glare. I could tell from the curiosity in his eyes that he wanted to ask me something, but didn’t have the guts to do it for some reason. Time went on as I continued to stiffly sit there, and Camila still had not came out the ladies’ room even after six or seven minutes. I wondered if I should pull out my laptop and start writing. I also wondered if I should go in._

_I wondered the latter until I got up and forced myself through the restroom door. **No more thinking,** I thought to myself. **Actions. Act on things.**_

_Camila stood motionless in front of a mirror on the other side of the restroom. She saw me come in, but didn’t budge. Her face was blank of emotion. She stared back at herself emotionless. To me that was the scariest thing – a face blank of emotion. You never knew was hiding on the inside. You never knew was what underneath that face of someone wearing a blank expression. Therefore their next actions were unpredictable._

“ _I love Barnes & Noble,” I announced simply, still several feet away from her. “I go to that one all the time. I know my way around the store like the back of my hand… Books are nice.”_

_Camila merely shook her head. “Why are you here?” she asked, her voice depressingly hollow._

“ _I don’t mean to sound like a bitch, but it’s a public place. I had no idea you’d be here. I come here all the time. Honestly, I’m just as surprised as you are, Camila.” I chuckled lightly. “This city is smaller than I thought.”_

“ _Wow, you remember my name? That’s kind of a shock, because I can’t imagine how many girls you’ve had over since our night together.” She viciously snatched a paper towel from the automatic dispenser and dampened it with water from the sink._

_I studied her with narrowed eyes, wondering where she’d get that assumption. “None, actually. I’ve barely even gotten any sleep since. I’m not like that by the way.”_

“ _That is not my problem, Lauren! And I don’t care!” Camila snapped._

“ _Wow, you remember my name?” I mimicked. “Oh yeah, how could you forget it? You were screaming it for about three hours straight the other night!”_

“ _If you’re trying to make me feel bad about myself then you can stop. You did that a while ago.” Camila wiped the tears from her face with the paper towel, pushed past me and headed for the door._

_I whirled around and caught her wrist before she could leave. “That’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m sorry. I’d never want to intentionally hurt you.”_

“ _What do you want from me?”_

“ _That’s actually a good question. I don’t know. Now that I’m standing here, I’m realizing that I know nothing about you, but I do know that your fiance is a lousy piece of shit. He basically called you a prostitute. If that’s not shitty, I don’t know what is. That’s fucked up, because I know you aren’t – well, I hope you aren’t. And he’s also a piece of shit, because I’d take you to Barnes & Noble as soon as you asked, and I’d write this big check and I’d buy you every single book in that damn store.” I paused to take a loud, deep breath. “Just fill the house with books, the hallway, the living room, the bathroom…because I like to read too.”_

“ _…You’re such a creep,” Camila whispered, searching my eyes. “But in a good way.”_

_I mentally fist-pumped._

“ _I think you just might care about me more than my fiance does, and he’s known me for over five years. You just met me a week ago.”_

_Sighing dreamily, I said, “I’ve got a big heart.”_

_She just stared at me with her eyebrows slightly pulled together in a frown. I couldn’t pinpoint what she was feeling at the moment, but I knew whatever she was about to say was something that I didn’t want to hear. Perhaps that’s why her face contorted with such anguish._

“ _Lauren, I’ve got to get back out there. He’s going to wonder why I’ve been in here for so long…” she said it like she knew it broke my heart. Kudos to her for being thoughtful and right._

_I let go of her wrist completely and watched her go for the door again. The way her long brown curls swayed as she walked brought the other night back to remembrance. I wondered if that’s how she looked walking straight out of my room without leaving anything behind. Something pinched at my heart._

“ _Camila,” I called softly, almost hoping she wouldn’t hear._

_But she turned around. Her eyes were the saddest thing I’d seen in a while._

“ _Why did you leave the other night? I mean, I know you had to leave eventually, but – but you left without a word. You fed me a lot of bullshit that night. You filled my ears with sweet nothings, told me that you needed someone like me in your life and then you left without telling me. I woke up thinking it was all a dream…until I smelled you in my sheets.”_

_She nervously bit her lip. Camila knew this question would be coming her way, but she tried hard to avoid it. Part of me knew that she was glad she could no longer do so though._

“ _What I said that night was nonsense. I was talking nonsense. It was all nonsense, and I don’t think it meant a thing,” she answered wearily._

_In that moment I felt as if someone had ripped my heart from my chest through my flesh and threw it to the concrete before stomping on it until it was absolutely no more. Perhaps that was a bit of an exaggeration, or maybe it wasn’t. All I know was that I felt something almost as terrible as that sounded._

_I nodded vigorously, although I wasn’t getting her at all. My gaze was fierce, and I had to pause a second before I responded to her so I wouldn’t say something impulsive._

“ _You were talking nonsense?”_

“ _Did you expect us to form a relationship and get married from a one night stand or something?”_

_My eyes closed shut as the words poured from her mouth. I was so used to hearing good things from that familiar sweet, husky voice – that was all I’d thought about; the good, pleasant things she’d said to me during our night together. I’d forgotten how sassy she could be, and now that this side of her was being displayed again, it was like a slap to the face._

“ _It wasn’t supposed to be a one night stand. I’m sorry, I just – I guess this is such a big deal to me because I thought I finally found someone in this world. You made me feel like that the other night. And you’re just so perfect and gracefully beautiful – everything about you is. I don’t want to go down this easily, but if I become persistent you could possibly have me arrested I suppose, so I’m gonna go away now. And I don’t know if I really am what you need. Maybe that was a lie. I don’t know what to believe. I honestly don’t know, but I’m not going to stand here and try to crack this fucked up enigma named Camila Cabello that I met in a nightclub seven nights ago.”_

“ _You talk too much, and you’ve got a lot feelings that are practically identical to mine. Except you’re okay with them. I know these feelings are not okay. I can’t feel what I feel – I’m not suppose to. There is a guy out there who I’m supposed to be marrying in six months -”_

“ _Why marry someone you don’t love, someone you don’t have feelings for?” I interjected._

“ _I don’t want to feel this way about you! It’s stupid, it is so stupid. I barely know you. I have never been in any sexual relationships with a girl, and I don’t know how to feel about this. Well, I do, but I don’t like the way I feel!”_

“ _I say you just go with it. Don’t be so afraid of your feelings. Just go with it and see what happens. If your life falls apart from it all, who cares? Just pick up the pieces and build it back up again, Camila!”_

_Without any hesitation, Camila placed her arms around my neck and kissed me hard on the lips once. I pulled her body flush against mine and found myself with my back upon the wall within seconds. She kissed me once more and a little later we ended up making out in a cramped bathroom stall. While we were getting way into it, we heard a toilet flush. That’s when her lips ceased their magic and she laughed loudly against my mouth, falling into my arms._

“ _I didn’t know anyone was in here,” she whisper-shouted, her eyes sparkling in amusement._

_I wondered when was the last time her fiance made her brown eyes sparkle like stars._

“ _So romantic,” I remarked sardonically, fondly looking down at the smile on her face. The smile that had heaven written all over it, which wasn’t hard to fathom because her lips tasted like God._

_She looked me hard in the eyes like she could see right through me and whispered, “I’ve never ever kissed my fiance like that.”_

After our little escapade in the filthy public restroom, we walked out of there separately. I had grabbed my board and I remember the curious look on her fiance’s face. As I walked out of the coffeehouse, I couldn’t help but laugh, because he had no idea I’d just made out with the girl he’d be marrying in six months. Then, he had not a clue that I’d fucked her a week before. At the time, it felt good to know it was our little secret. Camila had told me to meet her at the Barnes & Noble down the street at around 4:15 later that day. I remember getting there fifteen minutes early. I sat on the bench outside the place and waited for her, listened to some songs that reminded me of her until she got there. She arrived ten minutes late, made a big deal out of it actually, but I assured her that it was fine.

She wore the same outfit she had on earlier: a pair of jeans that were ripped at the kneecap, black converse, and a slightly oversized gray long-sleeve shirt. The sleeves were so long that they covered her knuckles and the ring on her finger. I liked that.

We got in the bookstore. I recall seeing her so happy. Her eyes were aglow the entire time as we strolled through the store. I told her about my favorite author, John Green. Camila said she’d only read one book by him. It was _The Fault in Our Stars_ , I think. I recommended that she read _Looking For Alaska_. We sat in a lonely corner on the hard floor and read the first two chapters together; she instantly fell in love. People gave us weird looks, but we didn’t give a shit. She rested her head on my shoulder and played with the edge of my fingertips as I read the last few pages of chapter two aloud to her.

Camila told me her life story in that corner and I told her mine. She loves to sing, I remember her telling me that. I asked her to sing me a sweet serenade and she said no… No because she doesn’t like to sing in front of people. I still sometimes wonder if she ever conquered that fear…

She then proclaimed us “no longer strangers”, then we made out in between two shelves filled with nonfiction books. I ended up buying her five books, three of them written by John Green. I remember her growing mad because I was so persistent on paying for the books, but I paid her no mind. After our Barnes & Noble date, as I like to call it, I walked her home. When she left me that time, things were different. She gave me her number and told me to call her the next day (which was Sunday) a few minutes before midnight.

Monday, we saw each other again. We had the day to ourselves in my loft, because all of the girls were out doing whatever. Camila told me all about her fiance, Austin. During the week he worked at some big fancy office tower in New York City where his estranged father is the supervisor, so she was left all alone at their apartment. The only reason why they came up here from her hometown Miami was because of a job, and they hoped to live a nice life together, and have a family. At the time I was wondering if she still thought that would happen even after she met me.

According to Camila, Austin is a sweet guy.

“ _He’s usually not so hostile. We’re just having a rough patch in our relationship, so he’s frustrated”_ I recall her saying as she turned another page in her book.

We laid in bed with the curtains drawn, the hum of the highway to keep us company in the silent loft. She laid on her stomach with her nose in a book and her toes in the air for the majority of the day. I sat silently next to her, just watched her read. Til this day I believe no one has ever looked so beautiful while reading. And as the sun set below the skyline she stood before the big window looking out at the view of Manhattan in awe, her fingertips gently pressed against the glass. I came up behind her, placed my hands on her hips and told her I thought she was perfect. She told me she thought I was a joke.

Tuesday Camila met the girls. She later told me it was an awkward experience for her, yet they made her feel welcome. I gave her a nickname that day. Started calling her Camz.

Wednesday we all watched a movie on Netflix. Everyone was in the house that night and Normani loves Netflix more than anything, so she brought us all together to watch _Catching Fire_  for like, the fifth time. We were all cramped together on the couch in front of the television, Camila’s head resting upon my chest. Half way through the movie, Camila looked up at me and drowsily whispered,

“I’ve read this entire trilogy, you know” in my ear.

Of course I knew that, because before we started watching the movie she’d stated it. But I just nodded and took in the information again like it was new, because before she’d told me that at night she rambled and forgot things easily. She pressed her lips to my earlobe, and I still remember how magical her smile felt against my cheek.

She took off her ring that night to forget about Austin while with me, but she kept up with it, occasionally asking “where is it”, because if she lost it and went home to Austin he’d go ballistic. Although she never went home that night. When I fell asleep on the couch with her next to me I was afraid I’d wake up to see her gone, but there she was still in my arms the next morning.

Thursday afternoon her mood changed out of the blue. She told me we needed to distance ourselves, because she was growing too attached to me. She said that there was no possible way that a relationship could form from this, which is bullshit. Yeah, I still do think it is bullshit, because that’s what we were doing. We were forming a relationship until she ruined it all with her apprehension. She left, told me it was best not to call her again, because if she heard my voice she would break down in tears and come running back like “a slut with no self-control”.

“ _You are no slut. You are beautiful, and you are intelligent, and you are the most amazing girl I’ve ever came across in my entire life. You are absolutely perfect and I just cannot get enough of you.”_

“ _I am far from perfect, Lauren. And far from everything else you said. Quit idealizing people. You’re so stuck in your imaginary world that you think everyone is perfect and beautiful.”_

She had turned her back on me and went for the door. She never even looked back. I even remember the exact facial expression on her face when she said that. Sometimes I think about her words carefully, too. Maybe she is right. Maybe I do idealize people too much, but I did not idealize her. I still don’t idealize Camila. She is perfect all by herself.

Truthfully, Camila thought I was going to ruin her life. She thought of us as a fling that had to end eventually before it caused destruction and mayhem in her life. And she was damn right, because on Friday just after 9 pm…

“ _What’s up with you?” Dinah inquired, taking a seat on the arm of the couch next to me. “You look like you just lost a friend. You’ve been like this since last night.”_

_I was sitting there in the silence playing with my fingers, staring at the carpet as if in a daze. Moments later, I looked up at Dinah who was still watching me in concern. Apparently she saw the hurt look in my eyes that I was trying hard to conceal, because her face registered a look of recognition._

“ _What did Camila do?”_

_Staring up at her, unable to manage my words and thoughts, I swallowed hard and blinked for the first time in over a minute._

“ _I don’t know,” I said vaguely. “She said we needed to distance ourselves. Said she didn’t want to get too attached to me. Told me it was best for me not to call her again. She told me this last night.”_

_Dinah rubbed my shoulder comfortingly, a grimace on her face. “Hey, I’m sorry, girl. I seriously thought you two had something. You guys are nice together. I mean, you’ve finally found someone who’s just as pretty as you.”_

I ignored her last sentence. “ _We do have something… She’s just trying so hard to ignore and get rid of it. You know, she’s engaged to some guy.”_

“ _So, you’re being a homewrecker now?”_

_I had to give a laugh at her jeering remark. “That’s so not funny, Dinah. I mean, I’m not trying to be. But this is serious. I think I – I think I’m falling in love with her. I know that’s kinda stupid, but after spending every day of the week with her, I couldn’t help but fall so quickly. I’ve never met anyone like her. She’s just so – so perfect.”_

_Dinah had a smile on her face, and it grew wider as I continued to talk about Camila. “Is she really?”_

“ _Yes… The way she reads. I love the way her eyes shift from left to right across a page. The way she talks, her voice, her hair, those eyes… her lips, her body, the way she thinks, the way she walks, the way her eyes begin to droop a little past midnight, the way she lightly tugs on my fingers to wake me up. All of those things make my heart race, because she is so lovely.”_

“ _AWWWW!”_

_I whipped my head back to see Ally and Normani standing by the kitchen island with their hands over their hearts, continuously awwing at my speech. My face turned red and Dinah started laughing. She shushed them for me but the “aw’s” didn’t stop._

_And then suddenly there was a loud pounding on the door. I was up off the couch before I even realized it._

“ _You guys, what if it’s her?” I whispered loudly, my eyes wild with excitement. Surges of joy coursed through my veins at just the thought._

“ _Eh, I wouldn’t get my hopes up. It could just be the pizza delivery guy,” Normani said._

_Dinah shot her a look. Mani was right though. I needed to stop hoping it’d be Camila at the door every time there was a knock. And they did order pizza about thirty minutes ago, so it was likely to be some lousy pizza guy. Sighing, I trudged for the door with a twenty in my hand._

_My heart nearly galloped out of my chest once I opened the door to meet a pair of bloodshot brown eyes._

“ _Camz,” I breathed._

_She just stood there, wearing that blank emotionless face that I found so terrifying. She held onto her fingers and looked past me for a brief second. When I looked back the girls were standing a few feet away, peeping around the corner to be nosy. I shooed them away before turning back to Camila with a solemn expression. I was going to keep myself together. I was not going to cave and confess my feelings for her, or yap about how I missed her._

_Basically, I was going to be a bitch about her showing her face here again._

“ _Thought you said you weren’t coming back,” I said, confidently tipping my chin in the air._

_Camila chewed her lip, averting her eyes to the floor. She merely shrugged and said, “Austin kicked me out, I’m sorry. If you don’t want me here, I understand. I’m sure I can find some place else to go for the night, maybe a bench down in Central Park.”_

_I searched her eyes. “Are you okay, Camila?”_

_They began to water. As I pulled her into a hug she let it all go. Her tears seeped through the fabric of my hoodie, her grip on my sides were tight, and she felt as if she were about to collapse in my arms, so I had to hold her up. It killed me to see her like this. It killed me even more to think that this was all of my fault. I should’ve never bothered her that night. I should’ve never been kind. I should’ve never seduced her into coming back to my place. She was in such a vulnerable state at the time, and what did I do? I took advantage of her, and now we were in a big mess, but she was in an even bigger mess. And I was unintentionally destroying her life._

“ _I’m not okay,” she sobbed into the crook of my neck. “I kinda want to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, but I don’t know how to get there.”_

_Framing her face in my hands, I pressed a tender kiss to her forehead and stared her right in the eyes. Camila tried to bury her face back in my chest so I couldn’t see the way she looked, but I wouldn’t allow her._

“ _Don’t talk like that, do you hear me? Do you know how crazy you sound? Don’t say stuff like that, sweetheart.”_

“ _I don’t know what to do, Lauren. I’m so lost. I don’t belong in this stupid city. It is filled with dangerous opportunity and regret, and I could only see myself living here because of Austin, but he’s out of my life now. He says he’s done with me forever, and he never wants to see me again. I told him everything. I told him about you – about us, and how you make me feel alive sometimes. He called me a lot of names, told me to fuck off, and that never wanted to see me again. Everything in my life is falling apart. It gradually fell apart piece by piece until it just collapsed. And I know how to fix it, but I don’t know if I should.”_

“I’m so sorry.  _Of course you should. Of course you should fix it. I don’t want you to hurt, so if you know how to fix everything then do it. I’ll help you. I’m here for you.”_

_Camila pressed her lips together as tears cascaded down her blotched cheeks. “I don’t need your help.”_

_I gave her a cold look. “Well, apparently you do, because you’re here,” I quipped, feigning patience and composure._

“ _Because I need a place to stay.”_

“ _So you’re using me? If I didn’t have a place for you to stay you wouldn’t be here in my face right now? You know, I’m quickly learning that everything always has to be about you. I bet you wouldn’t hold one ounce of regret in your heart if you left the state and never gave me a proper goodbye, would you? Because that’s how you are, Camila. You don’t care about me half as much as I care about you!”_

“ _I never asked you to care about me!”_

“ _But you told me it was nice that someone did the way I did for a change!” I exploded impulsively. “…So you encouraged it. And even if you wouldn’t have encouraged it, I still would want to know of your whereabouts after you left here one night. I’d still want to know how you’re feeling and how your day went. I’d still want to know everything, because I don’t think I can stop caring about you.”_

“ _I’m sorry. I do care about you. Don’t believe me? That’s fine. I just don’t think I can do this. I don’t even know what I’m doing. Austin was supposed to take care of me. He has the job and he told me I’d never have to work. Now what do I do? Where do I turn?” Camila said miserably, her eyes downcast._

_I grabbed her hand and brought her knuckles to my lips, placing sweet, wispy kisses on each one. “I’ll take care of you.”_

“ _That’s sweet of you. You’re really sweet. You are so amazing, Lauren, but I can’t rely on that. I can’t rely on anyone but my family back in Miami. So I think the best thing for me to do is go home. Austin told me he’d pay for my flight as long as that meant he’d never see me again.”_

_There came that feeling in my chest again. It all started with a little pinch to the heart. And then I felt as if someone had ripped my heart from my chest through the flesh and threw it on the concrete to be ran over a million times by a truck. This time the pain was much worse. My eyes were wide as I glowered at her in utter distraught._

“ _You’re not serious” was all I could say at the moment._

_Camila nodded once and backed out of my arms._

“ _You **can** rely on me, Camz. I’m here for you. If you let me, I’ll always be here for you,” I swore, my voice cracking. “I can’t let you go. There’s something about you that I – that I **love**. I can’t let go of someone so perfect for me. You feel the same, don’t you?”_

“I suppose I do, but I can’t listen to my feelings.  _Feelings are dangerous.”_

_Standing in the doorway, we held each other’s gaze for the longest time. Even though we weren’t on the same page at the moment, she needed a place to stay tonight. Her fiance had kicked her out, even offered to buy her a plane ticket. So I moved my stubborn ass to the side and motioned for her to come in. Camila walked straight through the living room, disregarded the girls who were whispering to each other in the kitchen area, and collapsed on the couch._

_Feeling numb and disconnected from the world around me, I shut the door and followed after her._

“ _Do you want to sleep in here tonight?” I asked. “If so, I can grab some extra pillows from my room.”_

“ _Yeah. I don’t think I should sleep with you tonight,” she mumbled, quiet enough for only me to hear._

_I stared down at the floor with my arms crossed. I could feel eyes on me, and in my peripheral view the girls were just standing there watching us as if we were a TV drama. Shaking my head, I got Camila a blanket and two pillows from my room._

_And I didn’t say another word to her._

At around two later that night, I saw her silhouette creep through the crack in my door. She came crawling into my bed and laid next to me, saying not a word. A few minutes later we had amazing sex. Camila told me it made her feel better for a little. I recall laying bare in bed next to her during the time of convalescence and thinking maybe she’d made a decision, thinking that maybe she wanted to stay in Manhattan with me and live here with the girls and I.

When I rolled over, she pressed her body against my back and breathed down my neck, brushing her fingers through my hair.

“ _I called Austin. He arranged some things. I’m leaving for Miami tomorrow afternoon. I’m so sorry.”_

I still cannot comprehend why Camila toyed with me like that. Perhaps she didn’t realize what she was doing. Perhaps she didn’t put any thought to it. Or perhaps she never cared at all. In sadder mindsets, I like to go with the latter. My heart still cracks every time I think about what she said (she said it so casually, like it was nothing), it just cracks in different places. I’m currently waiting on the day when all the pieces will fall apart like glass and clash with the pit of my stomach. I think that day is arriving soon. I can still hear her husky voice whisper those sentences in my ear at night sometimes. It’s agony – hellish, I tell you.

Camila left before I awakened Saturday morning. She left a note on my nightstand though. I still have that goddamn note. I’ve tried burning it but couldn’t; that’s why the edges are singed and blackened. The note says something similar to “going to pack all of my things. I’m taking a cab to the airport. I’m gonna miss you”

Holding back tears, I called her. The first thing I said when she picked up the phone was “But cabs suck. They reek of ass, sweat and vomit.”

Her goofy, obnoxious laugh filled my ears. I even had to draw back from the phone a bit.

“So let me drive you to the airport” I had said.

I drove her to the airport later. Camila never got to experience a Manhattan taxi cab, but she believed me when I said they reeked. I have a feeling Camila would have believed anything I said. She was so remarkable and fascinating; truly one of a kind, and I don’t doubt that she still is. I could watch her sleep or read for hours, and I vividly recall doing so. Sometimes I feel like that period of time in my life was all one big dream. That’s how unreal it seems.

But then I remember how I watched Camila board the plane back to Miami. And I remember how I haven’t heard from her since. That’s when the reality of it all sinks in. I slid a small piece of paper with my number and address on it in a small part of her suitcase in case she ever lost my number, or in case she decided to come back one day. She never promised that she would… She never promised anything. She left me with a kiss on the lips, and I let her leave with a kiss on the nose, and hoped to hear from her again soon.

I wouldn’t dare call myself religious, but during the few months after her departure I prayed and wept to God every night that I’d awake one morning to her standing outside my doorway. Eventually I lost hope though. God wouldn’t even help me. Not only did I lose hope a year after she left though. I also lost a part of me.

I believe this certain part of me died. It’s been four years, and no one has revived it since. I won’t let them.

I suppose I’m still waiting for her.

 


End file.
